He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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