Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
