im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
