Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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