The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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