Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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