just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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