Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
whose ass print is on the piano?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
