I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
