dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
