i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
