I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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