I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
