Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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