my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
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