My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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