At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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