I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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