she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
