If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
