I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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