I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
