rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
