piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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