when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
