I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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