So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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