Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Enjoy the penises
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
