walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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