How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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