HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
