Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
