I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
