The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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