I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
