Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
