I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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