dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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