i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
one might say we're banned from that church
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
ttyl tear gas
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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