you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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