I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
What a dumb baby whore.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
