Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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