I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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