You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
