Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
