Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
