My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
