Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
