i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
