no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
