I want to walk on stilts...naked
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
