your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
what is it with giant penises always finding me
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
