Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
