How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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